Well, “favoritism” isn’t exactly a good word for this, but it somewhat fits. In my polytheism, in different times of my life I find myself being drawn to different god. When I first got into paganism, the first god I became close with was Thor. Then I grew closer to Lucifer who taught me more than any being ever has, and now I’m drifting towards Persephone. I know why this is happening, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.
I was drawn to Thor for his strength. He taught me how to pick myself up when I couldn’t. That was right after my suicide attempt and once I learned what he could teach me, I moved forward.
The next was Lucifer. Once I learned how to pick myself up I had to figure out how to think inward. One of my biggest issues pre-suicide attempt was I always thought outward. I grew up more concerned with everyone around me than myself. I had no sense of individuality. Because of this flaw infecting my life at such a vital developmental time, I’m still struggling with understanding myself on the inside. Lucifer has helped drastically with this, but I’m still learning.
Now recently, I’ve began moving very much towards Persephone. It’s partly because of the changing of the season, partly because I’ve grown immensely these past few years and there’s a part of her story that I relate to on an uncanny level. The relationship I’m in is the underworld. I could just as easily choose to go the other way, go with Demeter (ie, a different direction in my sexual orientation), but I’m not. I can’t tell if it’s a decision or a command, but I’m dropping pomegranate seeds into my mouth one by one and choosing my Hades. It’s still debated whether or not Persephone chose this or the term “rape” was more literal than we want to think, and that reflects on my internal struggle greatly. I can’t tell if the relationship I’m in is abusive, or just what I need. Some days it feels like one more than the other. But I have to make a choice. The fact that I’ve felt pulls from Persephone shows what direction I’ll end up in. To me, Persephone represents choice, the conflict of being in a rock and a hard place, and difficult love. There’s so much of that in my life right now and it seems like no one on this plane will understand. She’s the only one that gets it. When I tell my peers about this issue, they brush it off, tell me to dump him, give bullshit black and white solutions… But when I pray about it, I can talk to Persephone for hours about this. She knows because her (alleged) choice to stay with Hades was difficult, her mother was livid, her flowers froze over from sadness, but Hades was happy. Hades had his queen and despite all the shit he went through; being tricked into ruling the land of the dead, being bullied by his brothers… he finally got what he wanted. He got Persephone.
It’s a complex thing to understand. I still don’t know how I feel about anything some days. Those moments are when I just pray. It makes it easier to talk about it.
In one of my stress theory classes, we were taught that how women cope with stress is different than men in that we create communities. When we have problems, we discuss them. It helps.
I’m not sure what will come of this, or come after this, part in my life. I don’t know if I’ll stay with my Hades or escape. I just don’t know. But for now, I’m in the capture part of the story. The next step is close, but I don’t know where or when.
But that’s life, I suppose.