My First Failed Spell

There’s some parts of life that I think witchcraft shouldn’t be influencing it. Physical life and death, immoral fiscal income, and, most importantly, the gods.

I see people on Tumblr and such talk about how they interact with their gods and I feel disgusted. The gods are indeed above us. Whether you strive to be them, be beside them or be loved by them, they are higher beings. Higher beings that, if you claim to worship them, you should do just that. Worship. Maybe this is a personal ideal, but I don’t see worship as manipulating, disgracing or ignoring these god’s demands. This is the only way eclecticism works. If worshiping the Theoi calls for certain shrines and tools, you get those shrines and tools. If worshiping the Theoi calls for a certain attitude, no matter what, you have that attitude while interacting with them. People on Tumblr calling their gods “little shits” and “douche bags” is so horrifying to me.

Back to my initial point, I do consider nature a god. The earth, the skies, weather and everything that nature outputs, is a deity. The Theoi give names to these acts. And I said before that I don’t approve of using witchcraft to influence the gods, right?

Well last weekend Knoxville raceway was having their sprint car opening and there was rain in the forecast, of course. It is April, after all. But I so badly wanted to see this race and even more so I wanted my boyfriend to see it. Sprint cars are this guy’s passion. Seeing his face light up when hot laps start is like seeing the sun rise. So, I worked out a Rain Stay Away spell.

I had my reservations from the very beginning, which probably added to the outcome, but I did it anyway. Hell, it’s Iowa. The weather around this part of the world is sporadic as fuck, maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. The spell was carefully crafted, I Incorporated a offering to Zeus, Hera and Iris within it, all the major sky gods I could think of plus a general offering to nature herself. I knew deep down this was going to blow up, but I tried it anyway.

I was wrong.

The race got rained out, so my boyfriend and I went back to the camp site. From there, there was hail, violently terrifying lightening and thunder that sent me into a panic attack (which isn’t common at all, I love thunder, but this just shook me to a deeper point that night). It got so bad that we slept in the car.

Afterwards, I went through my stages of grief. Before that moment, I could, with confidence and honesty, say that a spell never failed me. There was always a desired outcome, although not always exactly how I plan, but things always worked out until now. I was convinced for a moment I wasn’t a real witch, that I didn’t have the spark or the drive inside me, that I was nothing but a sad loser that ruined everything.

The next morning I felt slightly better. My boyfriend (I’ll just say the Virgo from now on) reassured me that this was just a circumstance thing. That every other spell I did for him worked and has continued to work. It was just a lesson I needed to learn.

I unraveled the spell and offered the herbs within it as an offering to nature as an apology for trying to control her.

The drive there and back was safe, I actually did have a good time, because I love travelling and camping and my Virgo. My mental illness can’t even ruin that weekend for me, I genuinely did have such a good time. It was definitely eye opening though. I know my god’s boundaries now and I’ll respect them completely. I guess it’s something to brag about, I’ve been doing this for seven years and this is the first time a spell of mine has backfired.

Pretty cool, if I do say so myself.


Imbolc 2017

Blessed Imbolc, friends. Although I haven’t been able to actually celebrate it yet (it’s a sunshine holiday with no sunshine, so I’ll just be doing my ritual tonight), because I haven’t been in my dorm at all today, I’ve still got the holiday in my mind. Now, I don’t know much about Brigid, and I don’t personally worship her, but since the holiday was made in her name it would only make sense for me to do some reading up in my spare time. She’s beautiful, I must admit. A goddess of poetry and storytelling, protector of cows and rivers. She’s the life that flows through all things, which explains her survival through the centuries. She was so beautiful and important Christianity tried to kidnap her. She is resilient and powerful. I have infinite respect for her.

Personally, I associate (almost all, but especially) this holiday along with Beltane strongly with Persephone. During this time, she is returning to this world to bring color and warmth to it once again. Hades is kissing his wife on the temples, packing her suitcase and telling her to say hello to Demeter for him. This is a time of excitement for me, because my goddess will be back. It’s a lovely feeling.

For my ritual tonight I’m going to do a lot of cleaning of my ritual space, dust off the cat hair and spilled cinnamon, meditate, make a few wishes and then paint something in honor of Persephone, an offering to welcome her back to us.

Later I’ll add in images of my ritual and painting, but until then, happy almost-spring!

The Morning Stars

Isiah 14:12 “How you have fallen from heaven, O star of the morning, son of the dawn! You have been cut down to the earth, You who have weakened the nations!”

Revelations 22:16 “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about our favorite angel Lucifer lately and I cam across an article describing the possibility that Jesus and Lucifer could possibly be the same being. This idea instantly made me incredibly uneasy, but I suppose we should take the time to figure out why.

Lucifer to me is the rebel. The teacher and guide. The one that will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. He’s the light. The chosen angel that ascended beyond angelhood.

Now, looking at that paragraph, let’s tweak a few things.

“Jesus to me is the rebel. The teacher and guide. The one that will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. He’s the light. The chosen son that ascended beyond humanity.”

Makes sense, doesn’t it? Now what does this somewhat shocking realization mean to a Luciferian pagan like me, or as a matter of fact, blissfully unknowing devout Christians?

Well, nothing much. In a “literal” sense, Jesus and Lucifer are still separate beings who represent separate, almost opposite things. Lucifer is the light in the darkness, Jesus is the darkness in the light. Freewill within sin vs conformity within salvation. They’re similar in the most opposite of ways. This was scary to me at first, but it’s simply yet another lesson to be learned by this infamous fairytale called the bible.

There is no true evil. There is no true good. Jesus and Lucifer complement one another as a rose compliments a thorn. The thing that differentiates Luciferians from Christians is who is the rose and who is the thorn.

Note: Just to clarify, I’m still on Lucifer’s side and will be till the end of times, this was just an interesting observation. I just felt the need to state this since my tagging has caused some unexpected Christian attention and just giving context. I’m not a Christian. Never will be. The Luciferian aspect of my religion remains strong. That’s luckily not changing despite hard lessons I’m learning. I suppose that’s the glory of his teachings. They’re hard, but they’re rewarding.

I’m about to go on a tangent about how marvelous Lucifer is, so I’ll stop here.

Polytheist Favoritism

Well, “favoritism” isn’t exactly a good word for this, but it somewhat fits. In my polytheism, in different times of my life I find myself being drawn to different god. When I first got into paganism, the first god I became close with was Thor. Then I grew closer to Lucifer who taught me more than any being ever has, and now I’m drifting towards Persephone. I know why this is happening, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

I was drawn to Thor for his strength. He taught me how to pick myself up when I couldn’t. That was right after my suicide attempt and once I learned what he could teach me, I moved forward.

The next was Lucifer. Once I learned how to pick myself up I had to figure out how to think inward. One of my biggest issues pre-suicide attempt was I always thought outward. I grew up more concerned with everyone around me than myself. I had no sense of individuality. Because of this flaw infecting my life at such a vital developmental time, I’m still struggling with understanding myself on the inside. Lucifer has helped drastically with this, but I’m still learning.

Now recently, I’ve began moving very much towards Persephone. It’s partly because of the changing of the season, partly because I’ve grown immensely these past few years and there’s a part of her story that I relate to on an uncanny level. The relationship I’m in is the underworld. I could just as easily choose to go the other way, go with Demeter (ie, a different direction in my sexual orientation), but I’m not. I can’t tell if it’s a decision or a command, but I’m dropping pomegranate seeds into my mouth one by one and choosing my Hades. It’s still debated whether or not Persephone chose this or the term “rape” was more literal than we want to think, and that reflects on my internal struggle greatly. I can’t tell if the relationship I’m in is abusive, or just what I need. Some days it feels like one more than the other. But I have to make a choice. The fact that I’ve felt pulls from Persephone shows what direction I’ll end up in. To me, Persephone represents choice, the conflict of being in a rock and a hard place, and difficult love. There’s so much of that in my life right now and it seems like no one on this plane will understand. She’s the only one that gets it. When I tell my peers about this issue, they brush it off, tell me to dump him, give bullshit black and white solutions… But when I pray about it, I can talk to Persephone for hours about this. She knows because her (alleged) choice to stay with Hades was difficult, her mother was livid, her flowers froze over from sadness, but Hades was happy. Hades had his queen and despite all the shit he went through; being tricked into ruling the land of the dead, being bullied by his brothers… he finally got what he wanted. He got Persephone.

It’s a complex thing to understand. I still don’t know how I feel about anything some days. Those moments are when I just pray. It makes it easier to talk about it.

In one of my stress theory classes, we were taught that how women cope with stress is different than men in that we create communities. When we have problems, we discuss them. It helps.

Persephone helps.

I’m not sure what will come of this, or come after this, part in my life. I don’t know if I’ll stay with my Hades or escape. I just don’t know. But for now, I’m in the capture part of the story. The next step is close, but I don’t know where or when.

But that’s life, I suppose.