Reaffirmed Faith

Recently, I can’t pinpoint if the cause is seasonal depression or simply an overwhelming bout of laziness, but I’ve been in one of the biggest craft droughts of my life. Part of it, I know, is because I’m in Texas. I can’t stand it here. The energy in this state sickens me. I can’t explain why, but I haven’t been able to lock down a decent spell since I’ve gotten home. I did one after the Orlando tragedy, but I was too full of grief to really seal it. I’ll officiate it when I get back to school.

Because of this lack of inspiration, I’ve felt my faith slipping. I’d sit down and leaf through the closest book on witchcraft and feel a sickening sense of skepticism. How could anyone believe this? What if none of it is true? What if it’s all just the placebo effect and we really are just alone and meaningless to anyone? What if there are no gods up there to love us?

But then, last night, my faith was restored. Not in a grand Water to Wine kind of way, and honestly not even in a positive way, but it happened.

Last night I was talking on Skype with someone I’m getting very close to. I was just absently shuffling around my tarot cards simply because I always have to have my hands doing something, nothing more. In the midst of my absent mindedness, the three of swords called out to me. Loudly. I sure as hell still haven’t memorized the meanings to all the cards, so I placed it to the side and decided on a tentative “I’ll check that later.” But then, as I kept shuffling, the five of swords jumped out at me as well. This one shook me.

I put the deck down and looked up the meanings.

I’ll spare you to boring textbook lesson, but to make it as basic as possible, a three of swords symbolizes a separation and the five symbolizes deceit. I couldn’t ignore this. That psychic intuition that I’d written off as hormonal anxiety sparked up and I couldn’t stop myself. I asked my friend if he’d been hiding anything from me.

He was. I never would’ve known if I hadn’t consulted my cards. Not only is he a wonderful liar (the divine folly of all Virgo men) but he’d enchanted me into this mindset of fantasy. I thought no ill of him. It was a mistake on my part, of course, I should’ve known better, but I couldn’t even focus on the betrayal at that moment. I was too amazed by the power of the cards that I held.

I didn’t outright ask them, I didn’t lay out the candles and the crystals and get into a meditative state on the seventh hour of the full moon. I was simply absently hanging out with my cards, and they knew something was wrong. They let me know.

My skepticism has dissipated. There is no subconscious way I could’ve known this. There’s no scientific explanation besides the energy that flows through all things.

I don’t know how to thank them, really. I was thinking of charging them under the full moon in a few days. But I feel closer to my deck and my religion than I ever have. Yes, I feel hurt by the person I foolishly gave my trust to, but I’m so excited that what I believe and what I love is real and genuine and raw that I can’t even feel devastated.

How bittersweet.

And We’re Back

There ya have it folks, I’m once again considering going back to Wicca.

These past few years have been outrageous in my religion aspect. I’ve been bouncing. Wicca to Luciferian to Wicca to Eclectic to Wicca to Hellenic Polytheism and now the cycle returns once again. Wicca is the only place I’ve felt at home. I respect the Hellenic pantheon immensely, but I don’t feel at home with them. I feel overwhelmed.

One thing I loved about Wicca was the simplicity, yet complexity of the whole thing. Unless I get on medication, I don’t believe I’ll ever have the spoons to be a successful Hellenic practitioner. Wicca was low maintenance. I felt close to the Goddess and God. I truly did. I’ve never felt that kind of connection with any deities before, no matter how hard I searched. I found a professor/student sort of relationship with Lucifer and I love him dearly as well, but it was never as deep as with the Wiccan deities. They embedded themselves into an untouchable, unfathomable part of myself that I’ll never be able to truly understand on this plane of existence.

My biggest issue with this religion is it seems that its cons morally outweigh its pros. The transphobia/homophobia/heteronormativity that has poisoned the very basis of Wicca will never go away. Gerald Gardner will never not be a homophobic pervert and (a disappointing amount and possible majority)Dianic Wiccans will never not be transphobic bigots. My question and the one thing holding me back from going back to Wicca is; If I were to indulge in the spiritual aspect of this religion, even with a liberal and inclusive re-imagining of it, would I be subconsciously enforcing/supporting these dated and bigoted ideals?

It would be wise to acknowledge the reason I keep turning away from Wicca. It’s the dialogue that is brought up that sheds light on Wicca’s issues. The only pagan community I have is on tumblr and some pretty thorough and intense cases have been made against Wicca. There’s things about this religion that I can’t apologize for nor ignore without being a hypocrite. How could I, being agender queer afab person myself, expose myself to a religion that’s entire theology can possibly be interpreted (and was most likely originally established as) a heterocentric procreation based love story that implies that women are only valuable when they create life?

But the thing I valued was I never saw the story of the Wheel of the Year that way. I saw it as the harvest of the earth and the cycle of nature itself. A bean plant will begin as a seed (the maiden) then sprout into a flourishing plant that can create it’s own seeds (the mother) and then expire in the winter, knowing that the seeds it created will be used to continue the speceis (the crone.) To me, this story never exactly applied to the complexity of humanity itself. The Goddess was not just a human woman, She was the beauty that is nature itself. But the problem is, I’m only one person. My inclusive interpretation of Wicca won’t fix the fact that Wicca wasn’t made for people like me. Gardner had no intentions of his religion being adopted by a black liberal American feminist. So the question is, is Wicca salvagable? Is it possible that if there are enough Wiccans like me, then the foundation of Wicca can be overshadowed by it’s open arms?

I’m going to be doing some soul searching on this. I’m going to step back from Hellenismos for a while, examine my political stances and how they may effect my religious ones. It’s all about balance, I suppose.

 

 

A Summer of Changes

It never occurred to me to consider why I never really fully lost myself in a ritual or spell while I was at home, but I easily could at college. It might have something to do with the energy of this house. It’s never felt like a home to me. My dorm back in Missouri does. How sad?

It might also have to do with the humidity of the state. Texas is gross and sticky all the time and I’m humble enough to admit that I hate bugs. My environment adds a lot to my practice and if I’m somewhere that’s buggy and dirty and humid then I’m just not going to be as into it as I should be. I’m going to try my hardest to push past this and try to find a place here that doesn’t spiritually disgust me, but until then my rituals are going to be minimalistic. Rituals of gesture or quiet prayer is going to replace my full on tasks.

In other news, I’ve come into contact with Hellenic Reconstruction and I’m very much converting to it. I have a problem, I think. I’ve been bouncing from religion to religion every year since I found Wicca.

I went from Wiccan to Norse Pagan to Luciferian to Ecletic Wiccan to Ecletic Pagan and now to Orphic Hellenic.

I’ve been reading more and more into the religion and it’s very complex. It’s old. It’s going to have to start with me simply opening up my heart and soul to the Theoi and focus on those gods. One thing that bothered me about my Ecletic time was that I was pulling gods from three different religions (Norse, Luciferian and Hellenic) so now I think everything will be much simpler and more solid. I didn’t like being so spread so thinly, but now my love and focus will be in one belief system

I’m not sure how I’m going to let Lucifer truly go. Honestly, I don’t think I ever will. He did so much for me in high school, I could never just forget about him, but I am going to graciously shake Thor’s hand, be pulled into a bear hug and be released into the arms of Zeus.

I’m going to worship all the Theoi, but my focus will continue to be Persephone, Demeter and Hekate. I’m also very much interested in the Nymphs and their role. (If I wasn’t so opposed to the idea of “kin” I’d definitely identify as a river or meadow nymph).

It’s going to be a process. A slow one. But I think I found a solid religion. Now the only issue will be figuring out holidays. I feel that I need to let the Wiccan holidays go. The lore behind them is connected to gods I’ve never had a connection with and I don’t doubt that there’s Hellenic holidays so.

Wish me luck!

Doing For Others

I’ve made the decision that I’m not going to be making spells for anyone ever again. There’s something fundamentally draining when you put so much effort and dedication into a spell and the person you give it to couldn’t give less of a shit about it.

The tea:

I made a confidence spell for this girl that needed it. She was dragging her weight around and showing signs that I used to. So I asked her if I could try and help. She said yes, then I did it. I put 100% into my spells every time, but especially if I’m creating something for someone else. It’s hard. It’s a million times harder than doing something for myself. She knows this, I talk about my craft like people talk about their children, she knows what it means to me and even if she doesn’t necessarily believe in witchcraft, it’s the sentiment. She herself has been upset because one of her friends gave away their birthday flowers. How hypocritical.

It was just such a giant slap in the face that I’ve truly been discouraged from doing anything like this ever again. Maybe that’s immature, or maybe it was a one time thing, but I think I’ll only do spells for other witches from now on. They understand the weight of a spell. Even casual magic can take a lot of energy, physical and metaphysical alike. It’s just a feeling… they’d be more grateful.

This is such a whiny, “young witch” post, but it’s just how I feel right now. That was just so hurtful. It’s like if an artist spent hours working on a free painting for a friend, and the friend just shoved it in the back of their closet to collect dust and rot. The time and energy put into that art was wasted. Hell, I have  a feeling it would’ve done more good if I’d kept it myself.

This is the first time I truly put effort and time into creating something like this for someone else. Never again.

Nevermind!

The universe works in mysterious and sometimes overwhelming ways.

Turns out, I’m not going to do that beautifully crafted curse that I wrote last post. The person I was going to curse and I worked everything out. I don’t want to cause them pain. I was reminded of the reality of our situation. They are my best friend, first and foremost. Maybe we did some bad things to one another and put one another through a lot of shit, but I do love them. I could never curse them.

This is a bitter sweet thought.

I really do like that curse, and I know I have some pretty deep wounds from the relationship that I need address, but I just can’t curse them. We’ve worked things out so well I feel no need or want to. It’s such a good curse, though and I was excited to do it. Not to harm anyone, but to get some really violent energy out of myself. To be perfectly honest, my intention was never to cause my target real harm. I just wanted to get out the negative energy that the relationship pumped into my system. Now I feel as if it’s gone. Honestly. It all ended so well. There’s no hard feelings, we just aren’t what one another needs right now. Maybe in the future we’ll reconnect and our suspicions that we were made for one another will be solidified, but we both need to grow. We were holding one another bad. I was keeping him immature and coddled, letting him get away with anything and everything like a bad mother. He was pushing me too hard and disrespecting me, taking for granted that I did indeed have severe self esteem problems that meant that he could do whatever whenever and I was too scared to stick up for myself. We talked everything through, though. He’s still my best friend. I’d do anything for him still, but we aren’t going to force ourselves to suffer like this any longer.

So! Instead of that curse, for Beltane I’m going to be doing a bottle spell. After a fun night with some friends quite a few adorable beer bottles have come into my possession and I’m so excited to make them beautiful.

So instead of a violent curse, I’m going to be making self love bottles for myself and a friend of mine.

Needs:

  • A bottle
  • Pink/White candle
  • White/Pink thread/yarn
  • Rose petals
  • lavender
  • amethyst
  • cinnamon
  • salt
  • Basil/Bay leaf
  • Orange essential oil
  • Onyx
  • Citrine
  • Rose quarts
  • Self love sigil
  • Something associated with the target (In this case, a picture of Audrey Hepburn)
  • A hand written note

Put it all in the bottle (Picture, sigil and note first) then fill in the space with the ingredients. Seal it all off with the yarn and some wax. Give it away! (Charge in sunlight.)

Beltane Curse

I have no real solid ideas for this upcoming holiday except that I came into some pretty foul tasting red wine and thought “Hell, why not?”

I’ve been going through some pretty rough shit with almost everyone in my life right now. The issue is, during arguments, I don’t retaliate. I’m a doormat. I don’t know why or how to stop this, but I do know that there’s months up pent up, tar like, black, oozing, needle filled, violent energy within me that needs to get out. What better way to expend it than to do a curse?

I’ve avoided this aspect of my craft, as I’ve stated before, but I think now I finally have the strength and power (for lack of a better word) to do it. I’ll definitely be documenting the outcome more than I do with my usual, more positive spells, especially since this is a spell going out instead of inward for myself.

This spell is a rework of this one. My target is far away and it’s impossible for me to get a talisman to them, so I reworked it so that it’s more of a “voodoo doll” for lack of a better term.

Needs:

  • A small jar
  • Red wine
  • dirt, water, matches, tiger eye and citrine
  • A piece of your target
  • Your own blood (Or saliva)
  • A razor blade
  • Black candle

Turn on some loud, angry, violent music (Or music that reminds you of your target, possibly.) and place the razor blade, blood,wine and target representation into the jar. As you say each of the elements in the incantation, add them to the jar as well.

Say

I call upon the devastation of the elements. May [target’s full name]’s happiness be turned to ash. May their peace be drowned in the waters of sorrow. May their pleasure be swept away before they can experience any of it. May their roots rot, rot, rot. May they feel the same pain they have caused.

As you finish, place the black candle on the jar and let it burn completely.Once it’s done, shake the jar violently. Make noise. Let out all the negative and horrible energy you’ve been harboring for their benefit and put it into the spell. It is activated. When you feel the anger returning, just shake the jar. This will charge it as well.

For me personally, I’m also carving a banishment sigil into the top of jar which I painted red. (Better to have a red top to seal it all off than a “ranch dip” one, haha)

I’ll maybe post updates on this on this blog. I’ll definitely be writing down the reactions. Maybe I’ll never do a curse again after this, who knows, but I see this more as a way to expel energy than to pointedly hurt someone. I just happen to be hurting the person causing me all this pain in the process.

The Morning Stars

Isiah 14:12 “How you have fallen from heaven, O star of the morning, son of the dawn! You have been cut down to the earth, You who have weakened the nations!”

Revelations 22:16 “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about our favorite angel Lucifer lately and I cam across an article describing the possibility that Jesus and Lucifer could possibly be the same being. This idea instantly made me incredibly uneasy, but I suppose we should take the time to figure out why.

Lucifer to me is the rebel. The teacher and guide. The one that will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. He’s the light. The chosen angel that ascended beyond angelhood.

Now, looking at that paragraph, let’s tweak a few things.

“Jesus to me is the rebel. The teacher and guide. The one that will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. He’s the light. The chosen son that ascended beyond humanity.”

Makes sense, doesn’t it? Now what does this somewhat shocking realization mean to a Luciferian pagan like me, or as a matter of fact, blissfully unknowing devout Christians?

Well, nothing much. In a “literal” sense, Jesus and Lucifer are still separate beings who represent separate, almost opposite things. Lucifer is the light in the darkness, Jesus is the darkness in the light. Freewill within sin vs conformity within salvation. They’re similar in the most opposite of ways. This was scary to me at first, but it’s simply yet another lesson to be learned by this infamous fairytale called the bible.

There is no true evil. There is no true good. Jesus and Lucifer complement one another as a rose compliments a thorn. The thing that differentiates Luciferians from Christians is who is the rose and who is the thorn.

Note: Just to clarify, I’m still on Lucifer’s side and will be till the end of times, this was just an interesting observation. I just felt the need to state this since my tagging has caused some unexpected Christian attention and just giving context. I’m not a Christian. Never will be. The Luciferian aspect of my religion remains strong. That’s luckily not changing despite hard lessons I’m learning. I suppose that’s the glory of his teachings. They’re hard, but they’re rewarding.

I’m about to go on a tangent about how marvelous Lucifer is, so I’ll stop here.